I'm sorry
by violetmerc
Summary: Short exploration of Laslow, PTSD and a hint of anxiety in an interesting style of writing.


He's long out of breath by the time he arrives at the Bottomless Canyon, Odin, Peri and Niles by his side and sucking in large gulps of the air already wet with blood. Xander and Leo are fighting, he makes his way to his liege back to him up.

The scene is loud: shouting and screaming and clanging and it's all too familiar to him, but he gets a headache anyway because as much as it is familiar it will never be normal.

Lord Xander tells him to stay close, as without a mount he is far more vulnerable. He does just that, providing support, threading in and out his enemies like a piece of cloth guided by a weaver's hand, light and precise and ever so careful.

He messes up when he sees her, though. Corrin—his liege's smaller sister, eyes a piercing, glowing, crimson red and silvery hair, pointed ears and a strong, muscled form. Her movements are graceful, careful and frighteningly deadly. A single strike is all it takes to render her enemies unconscious, and even as he sees it happen he sees reluctance in her eyes.

She reminds him of his mother, kind and gentle but far too deadly, too fierce, all at the same time. Her movements are just like hers, just like his. Different, but a dance no less, sewing between the enemy from one foot to another, one single, fluid movement.

She reminds him of his mother, and for the first time since Grima plagued the lands of Ylisse there's cotton in his mouth and a lump in his throat and he can't breathe, _he can't breathe_.

He grips the leathered hilt of his sword harder and breaks into a cold sweat and suddenly his headache is more than a headache, it's a siren in his head. Suddenly he can see his mother in a pool of her own blood, eyes glazed over and axe wound across her throat, he can hear screaming and Frederick—Naga bless that man—on his mount, scooping his tiny body up and riding away.

Xander is the first to notice Laslow's distress and calls out to him, tells him to get his head back into it or he'll lose it. Laslow is up and at it fast and this time he's fuelled with sadness and anger, his movements are sloppy and reckless. He feels metal slice his hip and grunts but he keeps going because that's what he used to do. The battle is mindless and when it's won, Xander looks at his bloodied body and asks what happened.

Laslow still feels numb and he doesn't notice when the only words that come from his mouth are "I'm sorry," because he's too busy trying not to look at Lady Corrin, the way she walks around and checks up on those who fought for her, the way she socialises with Lord Leo and introduces herself to Niles and Odin, the way she cares.

When he sees Corrin coming their way, he excuses himself and limps to the temporary healing tent.

* * *

The fights in Valla are cruel and the terrain is perilous, despite their push to Castle Gyges Corrin calls for a few days of rest due to a skyrocket in injuries. At night Laslow has nightmares that he hasn't had since his teenaged years, and he wonders if he should blame Corrin or himself.

He quickly decides to blame himself.

On the morning of the second day of rest, Laslow doesn't report to Xander's office. Xander initially thinks he's goofing off, it's not uncommon, but as three hours pass he worries.

He sends Peri to look for him and she finds him curled up in his shared sleeping quarters,(he shares with Odin) under a blanket and knees to his chest, rocking back and forth and crying like a child. His face is red and his eyes are scared, afraid, and Peri doesn't know what to do when he doesn't respond to her at all.

She looks for Selena and brings her to Laslow, then leaves them because she knows it's private.

It takes even Selena a good while to get him to respond. She has to stop herself from slapping him and telling him to get over it. Instead, she cleans him up—she wipes his sticky hands, the snot from his nose, the hot tears from his hotter cheeks. She holds his hands and squeezes them, and it's then that Laslow snaps back into reality, from a crying whimpering mess to a crying whimpering mess with dignity. The first thing he says—he sputters it, more than anything. His words are weak and course, they sound like ignition on wet firewood— is "I'm sorry."

Selena looks at him genuinely and Laslow is reminded that despite herself, her fiery attitude and snarky speech, Selena is one of the most sympathetic members of the army. She smiles sadly and squeezes his sweaty hands again, "Please don't say that."

She sits next to him and holds his hand and asks him why he is so upset. When he explains she just nods and understands and he's grateful she doesn't say anything, judge him.

She lets go of his hand and they sit in near silence, the distant clangs and shouts of a sparring match far away and Laslow's sniffs and occasional whimpers the only sounds daring to break it. Selena eventually excuses herself with that same sympathetic smile and Laslow tries very hard to smile back.

Odin bounces in shortly after and he cleans Laslow up again, wiping his face, his hands, his arms, and helping him change from his nightclothes into semiformal attire not unlike his own, custom for a retainer outside of battle. Laslow becomes fully aware when Odin says his real name, the one that belongs to him—"Inigo, I understand. You're upset, you're having a hard time. That's ok. But you've got to let it go. You saved her! She lives! Your wonderful mother lives because of you! Is that not a feat to be proud of?"

Laslow manages a proper sentence for the first time in what seems like forever. "Y-yes. I'm sorry, I-I just... I love my mother so much, to see such similarity in a world I thought would be free of it... I was shocked. I was stupid. Lady Corrin is not my mother... I should apologise to her..."

Odin places strong hands on his shoulders and gives him a light shake. "No need to apologise to Lady Corrin, Laslow of the Indigo skies. She has no idea that anything is wrong. You should probably apologise to Lord Xander, however, lest you regret it."

"Oh...What time is it?"

"Two past noon, dear rival."

Laslow nearly bowls Odin over, leaping for the door and running down the hall. He hears laughter from his quarters.

* * *

Laslow knocks on the door to his liege's study confidently, perhaps to mask his sense of humiliation and anxiety for being so late.

"Who is it?" comes from the other side.

"Laslow, sire." his voice quivers, it does not match the confidence of his knock.

There is a pause and Laslow's stomach drops, and then returns when he Xander tells him to come in.

"I'm sorry, I—" Laslow begins immediately as he enters the room, but he's cut off by Xander's stern voice.

"Peri told me she found you crying like a child in your quarters. Are... What happened...?"

Laslow lets out a shakey sigh and swallows hard before answering. "... I haven't had nightmares this horrible since before I came into your service, milord."

Laslow considers lying when Xander asks him "Was there a trigger?", but he thinks better of it.

"Lady Corrin..." He says slowly, and at the name of his sister Xander looks towards him and raises an eyebrow.

"She reminds me of my mother... The way she fights is too similar. My mother... I have many good memories of her. But they are all outdone by the bad. My beautiful mother died in front of my eyes trying to protect me, milord. When I saw the way Lady Corrin fought, (he takes a breath) all I could see was the lifeless corpse of my mother trampled on by uncaring feet, disappearing into the distance. I... Understand how selfish it was of me to let this plague my mind through my duties and I sincerely apologise, my lord. I beg for forgiveness."

Laslow bows as low as is customary for Nohr, and Xander looks down at him as if he'd seen a ghost—in horror.

Xander gathers his thoughts after a second, then speaks strongly, "you are forgiven, Laslow. Also, you are dismissed for the day."

Laslow opens his mouth to protest, but he can barely get a squeak out before Xander cuts him off again, "I won't have anyone serving me in bad health. Go rest, whatever you should need to recover, and report to me tomorrow on time and with that damned smile on your face!"

 **its interesting to write in this style. it's very loose and it can often produce some very nice sentences.**

 **i lov laslow.**


End file.
